L.I.T. Travel

The second part of this blog post has me in my feelings for two reasons. 1) because I already completed this post in its entirety but it didn’t save and I lost everything I wrote 2) what I wrote was very open and showed a side to myself that I keep close and then my computer had an attitude and didn’t save my pain, honesty, doubt, or fear….. So, I begin this post anew with absolutely no idea what I am going to divulge and how much of myself I will expose. But what I do know is this post may help someone who finds themselves living in two different places at one time and self-sabotaging their chance at finding joy, peace, and happiness. A word of caution, this is a long post but it is worth the read!

Where to begin…. the past. Over the years (not recently, let me be honest; hardly anymore and that’s growth) I found myself living my previous years and the experiences I had, mostly with men. I was very standoffish and mean when any man would try to approach me. It was terrible. I would be out with my cousin and a guy would approach me and say hi and I would immediately respond that I wasn’t interested. My cousin would say “Dang he was just speaking”. Needless to say, I didn’t have a lot of relationships which is how I preferred it. The guys I did have a relationship with or talked to I allowed myself to be completely open.

Those relationships did not work out. Once the relationship was over, I kid you not, 95% of them would get in another relationship with the next woman and marry her. That crushed me even though I knew for 95% of the marriages wouldn’t have worked for us. I felt like a living Good Luck Chuck. If you haven’t seen the movie you should because that was me…. for real. So, every time this happened, I would relive the times that it happened before. Constantly living in the past when things that happened before happened again. It kept me in a state of depression and not knowing or realizing my own self-worth. I didn’t feel good enough so I began to close myself off even more, not allowing too many men to get close to me. Constantly building walls.

The good thing was I was able to remain cordial and on good terms with all the guys that I either was in a relationship with or talked to. Not because I felt the need to stay in contact because I didn’t but because the separation was amicable. I don’t burn bridges when there was never any gasoline to put on it anyway. Plus, my parents taught me how to move on and remain cool with people. Did I move on? Absolutely but was it in a healthy way, NO! So, I lived in the past reliving events, feelings, moments, and pain.

Then I realized that I was also living in the future. I had an issue with time tables or what I perceived that they should be. I know you are probably trying to figure out where I am headed with this. So, I have people close to me that have relationships or had relationships where they dated someone for a short amount of time and married them. I also had the complete opposite. People that dated someone for YEARS before marriage was even on the table.

I did not want to be either of those individuals. The problem was I didn’t date much when I was younger. I was in a few long-term relationships so dating was foreign to me. I would start talking to someone, we would go out on some dates and I would be ready for a relationship. Yeah, I know, I know. Then after so long I felt that we had been dating long enough and should be moving further in our relationship. The good thing was I didn’t bring it up but it was always on my mind. I also found I was too open in the beginning of those relationships and somethings you keep to yourself. My bad!

So, when I met my ex-husband, I was very resistant to a romantic relationship with him. We started off as friends (which all relationships should) but he wasn’t my “type” and he was a preacher! What changed my mind you wonder…well, if you want different results you have to make different choices. Our courtship was fast, I felt like I knew him because we were friends and talked about everything.

For years I knew what I was doing and slowly began to work on undoing my bad habits. I had to acknowledge my pain and feelings of not being good enough for them to want me (now I also knew that I wouldn’t have been happy for long in those relationships). So, I tortured myself with the fact that they married someone else right after we parted ways and I had yet to meet the person for me. How depressing!!!! At the same time, I felt like everyone around me was getting married. I was either in the wedding as a bridesmaid or singing. I actually caught 11 bouquets, yes, you read it right! ELEVEN… I eventually used them for decorations. LOL

The sad thing is the relationships that I mentioned previously, the short courtship and the very long one, some of those are still together to this day. Why I took it to the extreme and created pain for myself I still don’t know. Well, maybe I do. I focused on the time and not what they went through in that time. What I do know and learned is relationships aren’t just about time but seasons. My marriage helped me to learn, understand, and appreciate this. The one thing that was lacking in our friendship and our courtship was seasons.

For those of you that are lost let me break it down. When you date someone, it is always good to date them so that you witness the different seasons of their lives so that you can see firsthand how they react and respond. This helps to determine if this is someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with or just as important if they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. I now embrace that I am not for everyone and how I handle my storms and my seasons is not everyone’s cup of tea. In each season do a self-evaluation and reflect on how you feel about how they respond/react, shoot and look at how you respond and react to what they do. Can you live with that? Can you work with that even if they do not want to change? Be honest with yourself and if your answer is you can change them…. then you are not the one for them and they are not the one for you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have a time table but I am realistic about my time and my seasons. It doesn’t take long to decide if the person you are talking to is someone you want to date. If you find that you are enjoying dating that person it doesn’t take long to determine if that is someone you want to be in a monogamous relationship. Communication is key. Don’t assume…EVER. Understand every relationship you enter will not be like the last and give that relationship the respect it deserves. Yes, men will make some of the same mistakes. They are men and they are human but they are not the same. We as women make some of the same mistakes too and shouldn’t hold them to a higher standard that what we hold ourselves.

The Lie…..

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