I filed for divorce on June 12, 2017, and on July 25, 2017, it was granted. Fast… I know! LOL Now, this is where the lie comes in. During this time and months thereafter I kept saying to myself I was going to date and have fun just going out. Enjoying the company of a guy (no sex, no expectations, no drama). Well….what had happened was I would be approached by guys and no I wasn’t rude like in the past. They would flirt, ask me out, etc. and I would politely decline and thank them for whatever compliment they gave. I did this for a little over a year. During that time of lying, lol, I had to ask myself why I wouldn’t go on a simple date.
The answer was I didn’t want to date anyone no matter how innocent because I wanted to and I enjoyed dating myself. I wasn’t ready to share my time with anyone. I had absolutely no desire to be in the presence or company of anyone. I felt that the most important person for me to see without expectations or drama was myself. I cared too much about my new journey to share any parts of it with someone else. I selfishly wanted me all to myself all the time.
So after several months I stopped lying to myself and embraced my need to continue discovering myself, finding joy in my journey, understanding what God blessed me to get through because boy was I going to continue to go through a lot. Be careful what you ask for because you will get it. Be specific about your request, even then you still may not be specific enough. The things I went through were meant for me to go through them alone. I got to see God at work and not be distracted by any sort of relationship. I truly lived in the moments and was present in my own journey.
The Lies…I had to learn that when I realize that what I say in all sincerity at the moment may not be my reality; to own it, acknowledge it, trust it, and live in my new truth. So I am trying my best not to lie but to give myself a chance before I give a chance to others.
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